Mayday!: Asking for Help in Times of Need

What's your favorite reason for going it alone, figuring things out yourself and not asking for help? Don't want to appear incompetent or weak? You want something done right, so you do it yourself? It will place an unfair burden on someone else?

According to M. Nora Klaver's book, Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need, [Berrett-Koehler, 2007], sending up a signal will make you stronger. Klaver not only counters all the reasons why people are resistant to asking for help, she provides a 7-step process for reaching out and getting the assistance you need. In this exclusive interview with ExecuNet, Klaver sheds insight on why we don't ask for help and why we should. ExecuNet members will get an expanded version of Klaver's Q&A with case studies in an upcoming issue of CareerSmart Advisor.

ExecuNet: The answers to virtually any question can be found online. Does the easy access make people more reluctant to ask others for helpful information?
M. Nora Klaver: What did we do before the Internet? It's hard to remember. It used to be that we approached each other more often for leads, ideas, resources and help. We can get a lot of answers off the Internet, but what we miss out on is that personal connection that arises from a request for help.

The Internet is a great tool, but it's not a replacement for direct human interaction. Those who rely on it exclusively are shortchanging themselves and those they work with.

Rather, high-performing professionals are more likely to use web-based content as a conversation-starter. The content becomes a sturdy foundation for a request for help.

EUN: When is the best time to ask for help?
MNK: Many of us have to hit the wall before we realize there is help out there — just for the asking. NOT asking is so ingrained in our culture that we remain blind to the help available in the office next door.

Instead, we push ourselves harder to find the answer. We figure we are better off solving our problems alone. We tell ourselves that we just have to "work harder and smarter." We believe that getting help from others will only display our weaknesses and lack of competence.

Waiting too long often complicates a situation that could have been more simply resolved at an earlier time.

EUN: The foundation of networking is to give first before asking for anything from others. How does someone who lives by that philosophy reach out for help?
MNK: Experts know that networking is about the relationship, not just the exchange of services or leads. It is a give and take exchange between equals. Requests for help — without advance payment — can deepen the relationship making it strong enough to stand the test of time.

Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Tit for tat. Give and take. These are all common ways or referring to the Law of Reciprocity — a key element to successful networking. The Law of Reciprocity also applies to situations where we ask for help. Payment for favors or help is usually expected. This isn't as onerous as it sounds. Reciprocating keeps the relationship balanced.

When we are in a position of always giving, always being the key resource, then we limit the affiliation. The relationship of equals becomes skewed.

EUN: Where is the best place for a senior-level executive to seek help in their organization?
MNK: It IS lonely at the top. Senior-level executives are responsible for proprietary information and for protecting the intellectual capital of the company. That means they must often remain tight-lipped even when they are bursting to confide in someone. They must be circumspect in their selection of confidantes.

The best way for these leaders to seek help is to plan ahead. Don't wait until the need is dire. Make a deliberate choice to find supporters before you need them.

Leaders can create a deliberate support team composed of those people they trust most. As long as trust is present, then it doesn't matter if the confidante is a direct report, the CEO or the company janitor. If these people can help you, and you trust them, then ask.