REAL INFLUENCE

REAL INFLUENCE: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In
by Mark Goulston and John Ullmen
Published by Amacom
ISBN: 9780814420157 Ebook ISBN: 9780814420164
Copyright (c) 2013 Mark Goulston and John Ullmen

***** Continued from Thursday *****

CHAPTER TWO

FOUR TRAPS THAT "DISCONNECT" YOU

"Things do not change; we change."
--Henry David Thoreau

When you practice connected influence, an entirely new level of
opportunity arises. It not just about getting people to do what you
want right now. It's about getting long-term buy-in from everyone:
your team, your business unit, your organization, your clients, your
family.

But before you can reach this goal, you need to understand where
you're starting out. And that means recognizing that you have some
serious baggage.

As you master the elements of the connected influence model, you're
going to start freeing yourself from four "bad influence" habits
that keep you disconnected. We call them "human nature traps," and
you can't fully overcome them because they're hardwired into your
brain--but you can avoid them more successfully when you can spot
yourself falling into them. Here's a look at all four, and why
they're so dangerous.


THE FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE

The first trap that leads you to disconnect may sound a little
crazy. But here it is: You're an animal.

To put it more accurately, you're only partly human--especially when
you're stressed. If you've read Mark's book, "Just Listen," you
already know what we're talking about here. But even if this isn't
news to you, stay with us, because we'd like you to think about it
from a different angle.

Here's the short story: In effect, you have not one brain but three.
That's because Mother Nature has spent hundreds of thousands of
years fine-tuning your brain's hardware and software. But she didn't
get rid of the old parts; instead, she just added on to them.

As a result, you have three different "layers" of brains, and each
one has a purpose. Your reptile brain focuses on "fight or flight,"
your mammalian brain on "emotion," and your human brain on "reason."

This is actually a very efficient system most of the time, because
each of these parts knows its job. Your human brain is at work when
you're entering data in a spreadsheet, your mammal brain feels happy
when you're holding a baby, and your reptile brain screams "Run!" if
a car swerves toward you.

The problem is that sometimes your three brains can get in the way
of each other--especially when you're under stress.

At times like this, an emotional sensor in your brain called the
amygdala can become overly activated, causing what psychologist
Daniel Goleman calls "amygdala hijack." When your amygdala gets
hijacked, its as if your three brains have disconnected and are all
functioning independently of each other. At this point, think of
yourself as human, mammal, and reptile...and the human is only
partly in charge.

And it gets worse. As your agitation escalates, the 245-million-
year-old "fight or flight" reptilian part of your brain takes
increasing control. This means you can't assess the situation based
on what's happening in the present. Instead, your amygdala throws
you into reacting based on an old, hardwired response. Your thinking
gets distorted, your emotions run high, and your behaviors become
primitive.

This quickly creates a vicious cycle, because the more snakelike you
get, the more agitated your amygdala becomes. Pretty soon, your
human and mammal brains are entirely out of the loop. So you're not
connecting with people logically, and you're not connecting with
them emotionally. Instead, you're cornered in "your here," and you
want to either escape from the people who are upsetting you or hurt
them.

Of course, today's meeting rooms and phone conferences are far away
in space and time from the prehistoric predator vs. prey conditions
under which the brain developed these responses. But your nervous
system doesn't care. It doesn't know the difference between a
tyrannosaurus and a tyrannical boss. So while amygdala hijack
probably won't make you run out of the room shrieking or hit someone
over the head with a stick, it can definitely cause you to "lose it"
on a purely biological level.

When that happens, you'll typically go for one of two fundamental
strategies. Unfortunately, both are deeply flawed.

The first is flight--"go away" This is about avoidance and inaction.
It's an absence of influence. It's disengaging or freezing up when
it would serve you better to take action. It's capitulating, giving
in, or avoiding the choice, the risk, or the opportunity.

The second is fight--"go push." Here's where you try to nudge,
cajole, convince, or force your counterpart into compliance.

The four mistakes you frequently commit in the PUSH state are:

P = Pressing your case too much instead of striving to understand
your counterpart's point of view.

U = Understating alternatives in favor of your preset agenda.

S = Short-term focusing by going for quick self-serving advantage
rather than setting the stage for sustained success by building
relationships and enhancing your reputation.

H = Hassling by turning every discussion into a fight, which tells
people that it's more about your ego than about a commitment to
shared goals.

When you're in snake mode, you're not going to influence anyone, so
it's important to avoid this trap. The best strategy for preventing
amygdala hijack is to get out of "your here." That's because when
you're focused on your own fears, your own stress, and your own
anger, you're continually re-agitating your amygdala. Once you focus
on what other people are feeling, you turn the heat in your own mind
down to a simmer...and you can engage instead of escaping or
attacking.

*****
Although he frequently appears on television and radio, Mark is shy
by nature. In fact, years ago, he was so shy that at parties he'd
hang out by the onion dip staring at his watch for a couple of hours
and then beg his wife to leave.

It wasn't working for him, and it definitely wasn't working for her.
So one evening Mark tried something different. He decided that he'd
speak to three people at the party, focusing on making them happy
that he'd talked with them.

Mark didn't know what was going to happen. But by the end of the
evening, he'd enjoyed terrific conversations with five people. Three
of them even took his hand with both hands, smiled at him, and told
him how much they enjoyed meeting him and wanted to follow up with
him.

When Mark left the party--and this time he stayed so long that his
wife was begging him to leave--he wondered why his crippling shyness
had disappeared during his conversations. Then he realized that
instead of dwelling on the "his here" of his own discomfort and
nervousness and going into amygdala hijack, he went to "their there"
by "just listening" and focusing on being more interested than
interesting. When he did that, he found a place where his mind felt
safe.
*****

THE HABIT HANDICAP

The second human nature trap is one we're vulnerable to when we're
deeply stressed. In this situation, it's difficult to generate new
ideas and find different ways of thinking, feeling, and acting.
That's because under pressure, we typically do one of two things: We
go into amygdala hijack, or we go to our comfort zone. In the second
scenario--habit handicap--we do what we're used to doing. We do what
usually works. For instance:

* People who steer toward logic and analysis may repeat the same
argument over and over, or talk in a louder or slower voice. They
may even keep saying, "You don't understand..." or "You're not
getting it" or "You're not listening."

* Peacemakers may placate people by giving in to anything they want.

Whatever pattern we fall into, we go there because that's where
we're on familiar ground. It's our port in a storm.


Hardcover: Today's read ends on page 22.